Artwork by Wendy Doak. Carnival, 2019

I’ve heard these questions a lot lately: if everything’s cancelled why is my calendar all filled up? If I’m staying home, why are my thoughts flying all over the place? Nine weeks into the shutdown of life as we know it, people are experiencing the same old feeling that time is not their own.

I asked Susan Callahan, co-author of Mothers Need Time Outs, Too and Co-Founder of the modern parenting consulting company Well & Ready, about her advice to stressed out parents and why she says white space is the new time out.

RH: First off, a short bio: tell me about your company Well & Ready and how you came to start it?

SC: I am a parent, I have four kids, and I started observing a trend. I noticed that societal shifts were making parenting more complex. Major events such as 911, expansion of our global world, social media and new technologies were all contributing to parenting becoming increasingly fear-based and stressful. My business partner and I started Well & Ready to help parents better understand themselves and their own needs and at the same time navigate the developmental challenges their kids were facing, such as self-esteem, anxiety, perfectionism and 24/7 peer comparison. 

We noticed this particularly for working parents. We created the Well & Ready Work/Life Integration Program to give parents a toolkit to be more productive at work and be able to be in the moment with their kids at home.  Well & Ready helps working parents anticipate and respond to the myriad parenting and career questions and challenges they face along the working-parent journey.

RH: How did writing your book Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too with your co-authors Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann help you formulate some of your enduring theories about parenting and self-care?

SC: We interviewed over 500 women researching the book. What we found was that women were putting themselves on hold. They were putting themselves at the bottom of their To Do list because their children, partner, boss, friend, sibling, parent, neighbor, etc. always came first.

We were part of a societal shift in the eighties and nineties, the "I can have it all” phase.  As women started to enter the workforce in larger numbers, something had to give and unfortunately what “gave" was their own self care. 

The big aha for me came from not only prioritizing my own self-care (mindfulness work, meditation, exercising, eating well, journalling, taking time with family & friends etc. )  but literally finding the time to be.

When I gave myself the gift of time, space and reflection, I found I was able to unlock my inner worries so that I could fully live in the moment with my kids.

RH: How did you first come upon the idea of white space?

SC: White space has always been my holy grail. It's my sanctuary, my peace, my church and it’s all my own.

White space in this context means “space” you block off in your calendar. Time for you. And, it doesn’t have a “hold" on you in any way.

Actually, white space doesn’t expect anything of you, you never have a deadline or anything to accomplish.

Its your time, your gift to yourself to do with what you want. Give yourself permission to carve out time for yourself.

RH: I love that you always find the silver lining. You mentioned one of the benefits of quarantine has been your strengthened conviction around the idea of white space. Can you expand on that? 

SC: Yes! With our stay at home orders, we look at time differently. We don’t have the schedules or the boundaries we once had.  We’re all being challenged to develop a new relationship with time and space. We’re feeling isolated, but also feeling united in new ways. What worked for us before might not work now.

In some ways, we have a blank slate. Here in lies the opportunity. Take advantage of it, get creative! There is no one formula. How do you want this to go? What works for YOU? How are you going to adapt? 

I believe in radical acceptance of one’s self, which, for me means radical self-care. I have found during quarantine that we have an enormous opportunity to connect with ourselves on a new level. We are the directors of our time and space.

RH: You say you like to meditate but feel people are too stringent about meditation in a literal sense. What’s happening there?

SC: First of all, I really enjoy meditating — especially guided meditation. I love to have someone take me on a journey. I believe meditation can create new brain pathways and lower your heart rate and blood pressure. I also love the clarity meditating brings to your day. 

However, maybe similar to what’s happened with yoga, society has set some pretty unrealistic expectations. Many people feel that If they’re not in hot yoga three times a week and meditating every day they are not doing it right, not serving themselves. Stop yourself if you beat yourself up this way.

We learn in quiet moments. Walking in nature, journaling, thinking, reflecting, downward dogging, or just wondering, can all work brilliantly. The key is to find what works for you. You’re in charge of your own healing. You hold space for you. What do you need to do to come back to yourself? If it’s yoga or meditation, great! Maybe it’s something else; self care - white space - it’s not one size fits all. 

Everyone is different, keep looking until you find a practice that makes you feel safe and secure. For me, it’s functional training, walking in nature and finding white space in my day. 

We’re living in an unnerving, unpredictable time. We don’t know how this will all play out, but we do know that many of us have been given a gift of time.

We GET TO slow down. What an amazing opportunity! 

So, clear the decks and identify white space. Engage in practices that make you feel calm, let you exhale and simply ground you in the knowing of what’s best for you.